Progressive Revelations 1/25/11: The Energy Game

The Energy Game

January 25, 2011

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I know a lot of people who need energy on a daily basis, and none of them consume energy drinks. I have found that most of the people who have energy drinks in their hands like to imply to everyone, "I am a person who needs energy because what I do requires an energetic person. And I am energetic. Just look at what’s in my hand." The implication is followed by a “Duh” and then sometimes by a "Like, really… Yeah, energy and me: perfect together."

For this reason, I propose that a company creates a de-energy drink, something that sucks the life out of the consumer immediately after he or she drinks it. It could be sold right next to energy drinks in convenient stores with a sign pointing to it that reads, "Today is a waste of time. You can be energetic tomorrow."

If nothing else, the de-energy drinks could be the ultimate excuse for employees' lack of performance at workplaces. "Well, I would have worked hard today," one employee could say, "but that de-energy drink zapped the energy right out of me."

Granted, the employee would be at fault for consuming the de-energy drink, unless – of course – he follows up his comment with this: "I was forced to drink it. It was on sale. I bought two de-energy drinks for the price of one energy drink, plus it came with a punch in the face. I would elaborate, but I am too tired. And my face hurts."

It’s amazing how "energy" has become an "in" thing. You know, everyone is doing it, everyone is talking about it and a few people even have tattoos of it. Sure, people always needed energy, but not until the past couple of years would people go at all costs to buy energy foods, energy drinks and energy-packed vitamins. Fifty percent of the people I know use more energy to find energy products than what the energy products actually give them in return. The other fifty percent of the people I know are mad at me for making up statistics...

One day, I predict that energy will no longer be "in." People will be done trying to accomplish in 22 hours what usually takes them 23. They will move on to other fads, like clean air, perhaps, or making rope ladders out of Twizzlers. Until then, you won’t catch me with an energy drink unless I have something really important to do, like write this column...

But I digress.